


Mistakes Were Made

by wynnebat



Series: HP/ASOUE [2]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempted Murder, Bad Decisions, Crack, Crossover, Dimension Travel, M/M, Master of Death Harry Potter, Post-Coital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 01:50:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14760305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wynnebat/pseuds/wynnebat
Summary: Post-coital attempted murder is probably par for the course when you've shagged Count Olaf.





	Mistakes Were Made

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by anonymous on tumblr for a dialogue meme - "I made a mistake."
> 
> For more context, this follows Orphans Unite and [this](https://greenmornings.tumblr.com/post/173284373516/you-know-actually-pairing-harry-with-count-olaf) tumblr post. 
> 
> 25 April 2018  
> …you know, actually pairing Harry with Count Olaf would be hilarious
> 
> #it was an offhand line in my crossover but #oh my god the dumb mental image #I love it #Olaf pretends to be a gay reporter and keeps dropping by to ask questions and flirting badly with dollar signs in his eyes #that’s Count Olaf the kids say and they’re so relieved when Harry believes them #except Harry finds Olaf hilarious and starts playing gay chicken with him #Olaf tries to kill him and it doesn’t stick #the following argument is resolved with some more sex #Harry is really concerned his standards have gone down #Olaf is really concerned his standards have gone up #the poor kids need therapy #plotting out loud

“I think I made a mistake,” Harry mutters into the darkness. It had been a warm day, but night brought a chill to the empty beach Harry was lying on. The sand beneath his blanket is hard and cold, the man draped over him angular and heavy. He probably should’ve given in to Olaf’s seductions in the vicinity of a bed instead of a beach, but at least the salty air does a good job of hiding Olaf’s rather strong scent.

Olaf begins to pat the ground past their blanket, probably looking for his ridiculous costume. “Our love could never be a mistake.”

“Look, Olaf—”

“Must you insist on repeating another man’s name so soon after our lovemaking? It pains me.” He pushes himself up to his knees and pats the right side of his chest. “Right in my heart.”

“Your heart’s mostly on the other side,” Harry says, although he’s not altogether sure if Olaf has a heart at all. If he has somehow managed to acquire the organ, it beats only for money, which is another point in the ‘this is a huge mistake’ column. The other side is that, “I can’t believe how not-terrible this was.”

“I am amazing at everything I do, including sex,” Olaf tells him smugly. “Now, where did I put it… Ah! Ow!”

Harry looks up at the night sky and hopes Death isn’t judging him too badly. At least since he’s in an entirely different dimension, none of this will get back to his friends. Ron and Hermione would laugh themselves silly at the thought of Harry somehow succumbing to the nonexistent charms of a greedy psychopath. Maybe he’d gotten hit on the head somehow. Maybe Olaf doused him with an— er, not love, since Harry doesn’t love him, and not attraction, since there’s not that much of that, but maybe some kind of ‘finding all your faults hilarious instead of off-putting’ potion.

The knife is a surprise eve though it probably shouldn’t be. It slides through his stomach more easily than Harry might’ve thought. Skin and muscle and intestines really are so fragile. He’s never been stabbed before; it’s a novelty Harry isn’t keen to experience again, even though most of the pain is dampened.

Olaf slides the knife out, throws it into the ocean, and laughs. “You fool, to think you’d trusted me! The great Count Olaf!”

Harry rolls his eyes. “I never trusted you for a second.”

“And yet you’re dying.”

Debatable. Though Harry going mad isn’t debatable, not since he’s watching Olaf nakedly rummaging around for his costume with appreciation. “What are you going to do now?”

“Leave you to die and claim we were married in a beautiful beach ceremony before you were attacked by wandering hooligoons,” Olaf replies, tugging on his clothes. “It was very romantic. You would’ve liked it. Now please continue to die, I have money to collect.”

“I can’t believe we didn’t invite the kids to the ceremony. They’ll be devastated to hear it.” Harry thinks fondly of the disgust on the Baudelaires’ faces if the scene were to actually occur.

“We were overcome by our love,” Olaf says, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. “Deep, deep, love. My henchmen will be by soon to dump your body in the ocean.”

“Mm, I’m quaking in my boots.”

“You’re not wearing any boots.” Olaf gives a considering look at Harry’s cock, which isn’t as blood-covered as his chest. “I’ll remember you when I’m swimming in my solid gold bathtub.”

“Thanks. Really kind of you.”

“I am magnanimous when I choose to be.” And so Olaf flounces off.

Harry sighs and pokes at his stomach. Beneath all the blood, it’s already healing. It’ll take a few minutes until it’s fully healed, then he can apparate and get to the Baudelaires before Olaf does. As he’s lying there, Harry wonders how they’ll take the news of his fake marriage to Olaf. It’s a farce, but if Olaf is going through all this trouble of forging a marriage certificate, the least Harry can do is play along. He can’t wait to see the anger on Olaf’s face once the man realizes Harry continues to survive.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah yes, the truest of loves. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I'm also on tumblr as @[crownwithoutstones](https://crownwithoutstones.tumblr.com/).


End file.
